Changing Patterns and Habits

Neuroplasticity can help solve a lot of problems, but it can also create problems! Some patterns or habits of thinking, feeling or responding can start off as helpful but because of  stress and neuroplasticity become rigid, harder to change, or simply less helpful over time. Patterns or habits such as overworking, avoiding certain things, irritability, or always putting the needs of others before your own can become “set in stone”. Because these patterns have happened thousands of times, they may feel like “this is the truth “or “this is who I am”.

 

But all patterns and habits are neuroplastic and so can be softened, changed, or even eliminated if that is what we want. To modify any habit, we need commitment, but with persistence we will ultimately be successful!

Let’s start by identifying some common mental patterns and habits that may start off innocently but take on a life of their own and cause problems:

Common mental habits or patterns:

  • worry or rumination
  • problem solving orientation, including problems that haven’t occurred yet
  • wishing things were different
  • idealising others or yourself
  • needing to control how others see you
  • rigid or black and white dogmatic thinking
  • unexamined beliefs eg
    • believing things because you were told them as a child (introjects)
    • believing things because you wanted them to be true (magical thinking)
    • believing things because someone you liked or looked up to believed it
  • catastrophizing
  • automatic advice giving
  • allowing the mind to be busy all the time
  • avoidance eg spending excessive time in a fantasy world or day dreaming
  • harsh self-attack or self-criticism
  • perfectionism
  • fuzzy or magical thinking instead of clear thinking when faced with problems
  • justifying or defending habits that aren’t good for you!
  • other mental patterns or habits not listed above, that in some way cause pain, stuckness or distress to yourself or others.

Reflections:

Looking at the list of mental patterns, do any stand out for you?

What sort of commitment or small steps would it take to soften or change this pattern?

How long would you have to persist with new patterns for them to become established?

I would love to hear from you if you are trying to change habits or patterns now.

 

 

 

 

Co-Dependence and Addictions

In Codependence, relationship and life problems become worse over time.

These roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor are often caused by intergenerational trauma or unfairness. What holds these three roles together is denial. At some level, Persecutors have convinced themselves they are right to do what they do to the Victim and refuse to see their actions as abusive or manipulative. Victims wonder how they ‘always end up in this situation’ and feel both powerless and blameless. Rescuers tell themselves they ‘are just trying to help’ and are ‘good people’, when really they get to control by keeping Victims helpless or feeling needed. Davis and Frawley discovered that there is also a fourth position called the passive or neglectful bystander. All of these roles are interchangeable, and none of them are healthy.

To heal this relationship pattern, we need to practice doing the opposite of what we normally do.  The opposite of the destructive-fuelled by control, guilt and enmeshment, as in the co-dependence pattern above, toward a better way of loving that honours us and the people in our lives.

An honest look at the behaviour patterns we’re engaged in is often helpful. But don’t expect those around you to want to change the pattern even if you do! This pattern is often called the Drama Triangle!

Things to be curious about

  • When you were growing up, what sort of role did you play in the family?
  • What aspects of self-did you or others -have to deny, in order to play that role?
  • Do you still play the same role today, or have you adopted other roles?

To escape the co-dependence pattern I suggest that you start by learning positive skills and boundaries for yourself and others as illustrated below.Interdependence the solution for codependence

I hope this blog evokes curiosity and perhaps even a moment of clarity and self compassion. More help with changing patterns is available through CoDA or Al Anon, or via a trauma therapist on sites such as the Blue Knot Foundation or addiction therapy groups via organisations like Odyssey. 

 

 

Healing Traumatised Parts

Healing is not all sweetness and light; or rather, the road to getting there is can be fraught with tribulations, pain, rawness or anxiety, and injury worst of all -from ourselves. Most people have parts that want help, while other parts want to run away, fight the therapist or deny the issues.

When we look at the legacy of past complex experiences including surviving many different kinds of trauma or neglect, we see all the things we have carried to this point in our lives. Healing is not a simple process. We may need to heal different parts of us that feel anger, hurt, grief, issues related to addiction, relationship or intergenerational unfairness issues, disowning of parts of ourselves including the body, certain emotions or thoughts; faulty beliefs that feel true such as the belief that we do not deserve love or belonging.

Then there are patterns or habits to heal- especially those that make us refuse to accept-or even perceive- the reality of life, or make us  live a life based on fantasy, ideals, perfectionism, or the need to control ourselves or others.  These sorts of patterns also have a sneaky way of making us very self critical and hard on ourselves, or makes it hard to get over even small upsets.

Through many years of working with people who want to heal, I would say that learning to accept and love all the parts of ourselves is central to healing.  Yet often it seems that people surviving trauma have an unspoken agreement with themselves that they will be kinder to themselves and look after themselves better only when and if they are healed. Paradoxically people continue to mistreat or neglect, criticise, drive themselves too hard , exhaust or hurt themselves in other ways, doing the things they have always done, instead of doing the opposite- loving, accepting and honouring themselves.

The truth is, if we want healing, we  need to first address the old patterns of how we relate to different parts inside.  This requires first finding a calm state then learning to be mindful or cultivate a dual awareness of what is going on inside- to unblend with old patterns and procedural ways of being in the world.

Here is a worksheet I used for trauma group sessions a few years ago which participants found useful. It is adapted from the ideas of Babette Rothschild, Peter Levine, Kathy Steele, Janina Fisher and many others.

Finding a good trauma-informed therapist or group to belong to and practice these skills is really important. Usually a safe place or a safe state is needed. Since the trauma was caused by relationships, relationships of a better kind are needed to heal the trauma. Remember. healing trauma is possible.

 

 

 

Compassion as the Core of Healing

What is Compassion?

A simple definition of compassion: Deep awareness of the suffering of self or others, and the ability to be with that suffering, with profound acceptance, and without pushing it away, labelling it or judging it.

Here’s another:

According to Pema Chodron (a Buddhist nun), “When we practice compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us”. 

Chodron teaches that we must be honest and forgiving about when and how we shut down. In compassion, we draw from the wholeness of our experience- our suffering and empathy, as well as our cruelty and terror. It has to be this way. Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equal parts of ourselves. Only when we know our own darkness can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity. 

Reflection: To know our own darkness, is to allow ourselves to know the truth that we are human, fragile or imperfect. Yet many people with complex past experiences struggle to be compassionate with themselves. There may be a very harsh inner critic or a persecutory part that is quite relentless. Do you have an inner critic? If so, what are the most common beliefs or statements from this part? Would your best friend agree with what this part is saying?

So how do we learn to be more compassionate? It helps if we break compassion down into a behaviour or an action, so that we can get to know it as an experience, rather than just an idea which we might get around to “some day”.  Think of compassion as an action word. What attitudes and behaviours would go with compassion, what does it look like in action? For example, being compassionate to yourself could mean:

  • listening to your body
  • learning to be present
  • accepting or allowing difficult emotions or pain calmly
  • learning to accept life on life’s terms if this is the best or only option
  • being honest and gentle with vulnerabilities
  • healing old patterns that are problematic
  • finding balance
  • allowing yourself to heal
  • slowing down
  • letting go of excessive shame or guilt
  • being humble and soft instead of arrogant or rigid
  • allowing your voice to be heard
  • putting boundaries on those who dishonour you
  • backing yourself instead of undermining yourself
  • communicating frequently with inner parts to soothe and settle the system
  • giving yourself and others kindness instead of harsh judgements/criticism
  • all of the above
  • other things not listed?

Looking at the list above, which aspects of compassion stand out the most and which ones do you long for ? I look forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas on this.